thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
