it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
