Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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