zippers are such a cool invention
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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