I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
