someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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