Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
