It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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