i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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