my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
DRUNK COOKIES
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