She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
