I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
