The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
