How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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