a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
