totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
