I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
