Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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