sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
