"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
