also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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