she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
