im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
