I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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