I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
