I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
