I have demons in me.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
