I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
