we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
