I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
