Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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