You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
