nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
