oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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