I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
