I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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