Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
