Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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