Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
