listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Randomize
