You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i out mim tonsoeep
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
