I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
