They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
