Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It's official drugs can't kill me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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