I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
