If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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