Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
