the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
