So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
