You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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